Reflections
It’s been nearly four years since I last published a blog post. I’m not sure why. I think it’s because what is here often doesn’t reflect what people see on a day to day basis.
What I show outwardly through my Facebook posts, my status updates, my shares of events that I’ve attended, days spent doing things with my loving husband, fun times with classmates, work mates, best friend, all make it look like I live this fantastic life.
The truth is, I am truly blessed. I do have my husband, my best friend, a small circle of close friends, a wider circle of casual friends through school, work, mutual friends through hubby from his life, his work, his other social circles. I have the opportunity for fantastic vacations every few years – sometimes more. I have a good life. I am nearly 48 years old, own a home, drive a reliable car, enjoy my marriage of 17 years, have a mother and father and brother -in-law whom I love, more-so now as both of my own parents are deceased and my own brothers are distant and not in touch. Most days my life IS amazing and fantastic. But that’s most days.
Those other days, a part of me deep down wonders if all these amazing people in my life see that I struggle too. A part of me that feels that maybe the reason so many don’t ‘think of’ me often is that they feel that my life is grand, I rarely need anything, everything is wonderful all the time… but do they know that I struggle? That I long for those interactions too? I don’t actually know how to reach out when I am feeling that nagging emptiness inside, or that loneliness that everyone experiences at some point. What people see is this outgoing person, living an amazing life, but they don’t see that I’m not outgoing. I don’t know how to reach out, how to make new friends without seeming needy. On the flip side of that, I wonder if I come across to people as stand-offish, or snobby, or even disinterested.
There have been plenty of times when people have seen me outwardly struggling and then reached out, but it’s rare that people reach out when I am outwardly happy, satisfied or at peace with my situation.
I do admit that I am guilty of not reaching out to family and friends, responding in a timely fashion to emails or returning letters or phone calls without delay. So as I prepare to close the chapter that is 2015, and prepare to start a new year, with new classes, new things to learn, new goals, and renewed friendships, I will put at the forefront of my social efforts to be more responsive, to be more willing to reach out when I need to, and to be the sort of friend that I would like to have in my life. If we all wait for those we care about to reach out to us, then we might feel that nobody cares, when in fact, the other person or people are simply waiting for us to reach out as well.
The 40 Year Struggle 
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